Marcus Tullius Cicero. A man well known in Rome for his commendable oratorical skills and for his love, a little fluctuating, towards the Republic. Everyone knows, above all, his ideas concerning sexuality and, in particular, modesty. He is the man who, after all, suggests to men to keep their carrot under their toga and, above all, condemns those who talk about carrots at the table; however, beautiful women can, according to him, exhibit nudity.
Cicero has always defended this double standard by calling it 'ethical' and obviously friends like Titus Pomponius Atticus looked at him as one might look at an idiot. But Cicero never allowed himself to be intimidated by criticism as he always believed that his reputation in Rome would never be threatened in any way.
Cicero has always defended this double standard by calling it 'ethical' and obviously friends like Titus Pomponius Atticus looked at him as one might look at an idiot. But Cicero never allowed himself to be intimidated by criticism as he always believed that his reputation in Rome would never be threatened in any way.
This at least until ...
"Where is that damn book?!" Cicero exclaimed, looking among the furnishings in his house. "Yet it seemed to me that I had left it here, for Romulus's balls!"
At that moment, knocked on the door of the house Gaius Licinius Verres, which Cicero was preparing to face in court, and when he saw the lawyer Cicero wet with sweat he asked him:
"Are you okay, Cicero? You look… hot."
"Verres!" Cicero took a few steps away from him. "Much better. This distance is optimal." He turned to him. "What do you want, old rotten snail?"
"I was actually here to bring you a message from my lawyer, Quintus Hortensius Hortalus. He tells you that we will tear you up and that you will never be able to force me to pay a single coin for those beautiful extortions that I didn't do!"
Cicero was stunned for a moment. He raised his eyebrows and then opened his mouth:
"Of course ... of course ... yes ... yes!" He added solemnly: "Of course! Don't waste my time with your foolishness! Get ready for the court trial and let me find my book!"
Cicero resumed sifting through the house, throwing pottery, clothes and statuettes to the right and left.
"Mm ... what are you looking for exactly?" Verres asked curiously.
"A book that I had left in my desk, in a drawer. Someone (you or Hortalus undoubtedly) looked into that damn drawer and stole that damn book."
"What was that book about?"
"It was a book of ..." He stopped. He turned to Verres and, indignant, exclaimed: "Of course, of course! You want me to say it out loud! You raided my desk and now you want to publicly humiliate me by getting me to say, aloud, the name of that book. Is it not true, deformed stinker swindler?"
Verres opened his mouth in disbelief.
"But look at you, you have the face of Crassus when he discovered that Pompey had screwed up the credit for the defeat of Spartacus!" He paused. He pointed to Verres and uttered: "Speak, then, criminal! Where did you hide that book!"
"Cicero, I swear to you that I don't know what you are talking about. I didn't take any books " Verres said, raising his hands.
"Ah!" he exclaimed theatrically. "Hide a revolting grin under that wet dandruff-stained mustache! Tell me everything, old hoe, otherwise I'll challenge you to a duel!"
"Duel?!"
"Exact! Do you think a man of my social stature cannot duel! Ah, ah! I laugh at your imbecility!"
"But ... Cicero ..."
"Verres!" he exclaimed aloud. "Give me that book immediately!"
"You're completely mad, Cicero."
Verres said these words leaving the man's house.
"Run, traitor. Flee from me, you coward thief. You won't be able to escape from me forever. I will take you to the cross for this gesture!"
Cicero resumed his search.
A few hours later Quintus Hortensius Hortalus passed by, he had learned from Verres that Cicero was completely mad. The man stationed himself in front of the rival's door but didn't have time to knock when he heard Cicero scream:
"May Venus get slapped in that rat face!"
Hortalus kicked the door and scolded with a raised finger:
"Rinse your mouth, Cicero! This city doesn't tolerate such language."
Cicero looked at Hortalus with two wide eyes. He approached him and grabbed his shoulders and whispered in his ear:
"Kiss my balls, old man. I know you stole my book."
"Book? What book?"
Cicero then solemnly exclaimed:
"Now give it back, traitor! Otherwise I, the best lawyer in Rome, will have you exiled from this city!"
"You're just a mediocre speaker, don't freak out." He looked at the poor state of the house. "But what have you done, Cicero? What was the need to make this mess in your house? Did you do it to look for just a book?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"Yes, but… what book is it? Is it really that important?"
Cicero raised his eyebrows and, grabbing a chair, pointed it at Hortalus as if it were a sword.
"Of course!" he exclaimed. "Now it's all clear to me, I was right! You're in league with Verres! You want to humiliate me!"
"Ci-Cicero… calm down. What the fuck are you saying?"
He ignored Hortalus and went on:
"No, worse! Much worse! You want to unseat me! You want the lawyer's crown just to brag to the Senate. You want that influence to open the doors to the Gauls, the hens, the Germans, the Britons, the Romans of Africa and the Chinese!"
"Cicero, I don't think I can do a thing of the-"
"But you will never be able to defeat me!" interrupted the man. "I'm too smart, do you understand? I am a superfine mind! My intellect can double yours in everything: from mathematics to poetry." Then he added, with a look of mock compassion: "But look at you: time is devouring you. You're decaying. You're shedding hair like a lion without a pack. You're a weak old man with no purpose. It is obvious that you are trying to unseat a young lion like me!"
Hortalus sighed.
"As I imagined," Cicero began victorious "you have no defense."
"I don't have time to take your out-of-control paranoia. I have better things to do, Cicero."
"You have nothing to do! You are nothing!"
"Excuse me, Cicero, I have to prepare myself to defend Verres in court. I leave you to your sadness ..." he added, leaving: " ... and to your sad life."
"Sadness? I don't know what sadness is! Ah, ah! I laugh at it! I laugh at your imbecility, dry poop!"
Cicero continued in his desperate search for the book but without any success.
That night, Cicero's wife, Terentia, returned home after spending time with some of her friends. When the woman saw her husband outside the door with a torch in his hand, she asked him:
"What are you doing with that?"
He looked at her with wide eyes and exclaimed:
"Don't you see it? I'm taking my revenge. If I can't find my book then it doesn't make sense to live in Rome anymore. I will deprive this city of my presence and I will go and live in Rhodes with you, my beloved."
"Okay ..." she said with a sigh. "Could you explain to me the meaning of your ... er ... plan?"
"I am the owner and I can do whatever I want with my home. If I want, I can also destroy my house to change my life and send this city and its inhabitants to fuck themselves with carrots!"
"Cicero, three things ..." Terentia stood in front of the man. "One: you're crazy and you should get hospitalized. Two: this house is mine, not yours, and if you burn it I will pluck you to have it repaid. Three: I have that stupid little girl book of yours."
Cicero dropped the torch in shock.
"Explain yourself, woman. How dare you desecrate my desk? Your sovereign's desk?"
"Sorry, sovereign" she began sarcastically "I did it just to get to know some of your tastes better, that's all."
"Normal people talk."
"Normal people aren't married to you."
"So that's why you looked through my honest pornographic novel, woman?" he investigated by circling her.
"Yes, but in the end it wasn't worth it. Not even remotely," she said disappointed.
"Why on earth are you saying these things?"
"Because there's nothing interesting in there."
"You say that because you don't understand," he said haughtily.
"Really? I've read that stuff twice and there isn't even a sex scene. Is this what you call 'pornography'? If this is enough to excite you, the only way I can seduce you is to touch your shoulder. 99.9% of Rome would take the piss out of you if they knew you like this stuff."
"Mm ... good." He paused briefly. "Since you like making numbered lists, get mine." He coughed two times and began: "One: don't ever peek into my things again, damn heretic. Two: eroticism is subjective. Three: 99.9% have always been wrong." Then he added, "Anyway, I'd like to remind you that for a mind like mine, sex is worthless. What matters is the thought and not the act itself."
"Riiiiiiiight!" Terentia exclaimed incredulously. "The first day we were married you didn't tell me that. It seemed more like a: 'Mm, Terentia, don't stop licking it'."
Cicero looked at her in silence. He opened the front door. He turned to her. He said in an offended tone:
"Impudent."
"Hypocrite," she replied.
When Cicero, however, asked where Terentia had hidden the book, she simply told him that she had lent it to a friend of hers.
Cicero couldn't have known that that friend was Gaius Julius Caesar, who spent the whole night laughing at her dear friend: the best lawyer of Rome.
